Greek God Advice Column

(Is it Corinthian or Doric? Ooooooh...)

Dear Zeus,

My girlfriend and I are having relationship problems. What should I do?

Sincerely, Hot And Bothered

Dear Hot--

Make like a swan and fuck her! That gets ALL the ladies!

Zeus

Dear Zeus,

My boyfriend gave me swan herpes...should I see a doctor?

-Feathered Friend

Dear Feathered

No! You should go give your man a blow job is what you should do! He's doing it right.

Zeus

Dear Apollo,

I really like this girl, but every time I try to talk to her, she brushes me off. Help?

Waiting for advice,

Lonely Guy

Dear Lonely,

Be careful with this one. Have you met her father? Make sure you will not get your heart broken by a tree.

Apollo

Dear Zephyrus,

I really like this guy, but he won't give me the time of day. He totally has the hots for someone on the track team. How can I get him to notice me?

Lusty

Dear Lusty,

KILL HIM WITH A DISCUS!

Yours Truly,

Zephyrus

Dear Orpheus,

This boy I really like was killed in a freak discus accident. I'm really upset. Do you have any advice?

Pining and Alone

Dear Pining,

I can't tell you exactly how to get into the underworld, or how to get past Cerberus. But I do have some advice: don't turn around!

Orpheus