Javert Rant

I’ve never felt the way I feel tonight. I am a raw, open wound.

I was raped when I was younger, as a prison guard. It was difficult to avoid for the younger guards. But then I craved touch so badly I took it almost willingly. They didn’t feel any love for me, but the touch was enough. I had never been without it for long and I felt as if I was going mad.

Now things are almost the opposite.

I haven’t had a lover in more than a decade. Martin visits occasionally but it’s never enough for me to be sated. I always feel empty when he leaves. I’ve been nothing for so long.

When Grantaire touched me I couldn’t bear to say no. How could I refuse that? I need to be touched so badly it aches in me. But usually the wound is closed and the ache is dull. Once he’d opened it… especially talking about it the way he was, the way he felt, with no love for me in him….

I want to go home.

I want to have a home.